Dear The Right Honourable John Howard,

I hear you are looking for marginally held Liberal seats for a spot of good old-fashioned pork barrelling. Well, have I got the seat for you.

Your man Gary, who once had the best seat in Parliament (on TV behind the member speaking, reliably looking attentive, amused or aghast, as the mood required) hangs on to Eden-Monaro by the skin of his pearly whites. Of course you know what’s at stake here; since 1972 whichever party wins our seat gets to be in government, so mate, you need to keep us very happy.

As a service to you John, I’ve taken the liberty of outlining a few areas where we’d like to have our barrels porked.

Let’s start with telecommunications. Where I live in Mongarlowe, we are 75 minutes from Capitol Hill by car and 120 minutes by email. Don’t bother asking Sol to ring my mobile to apologise, we have no coverage. Fair dinkum mate, two old soup cans joined by string would work just as well.

How about a reliable electricity supply? The other day the power went off at 9.30 in the morning and stayed out for nearly six hours. A whole day with no way to earn the daily bread, sitting around wondering whether the computer has survived its abrupt shutdown or how to make lunch. I realise that Country Energy is not directly attached to your grid but maybe you could get us a wind farm or a solar array as back-up.

Maybe you’ve given up mate, what with the polls predicting you’re in such deep sh*t – well mate, so are we here in Braidwood. We could do with some fundamental federalism to keep us out of it. Why not write us a cheque to pay for our new sewerage plant?

Our local council and the State government are both giving us the sh*ts and then they want us to pay through the nose to process the stuff. Here is your big chance – relaxed about number two on the perforated paper could be comfortable with number one on the ballot paper.

And then, there’s not much public transport around here, so how about a sturdy pair of walking shoes for every voter. You want us to reduce our carbon footprint don’t you? We’d be really moved though if you bought us all an electric bicycle.

Just one last thing mate. I remember reading in the newspaper about government funding for schools being tied to a return to old-fashioned patriotism, flags up poles, saluting and all that stuff. I’ve spoken to the kids and they’ve suggested the school could have, say, five flagpoles if that meant five times the funding for teaching resources.

So there you go mate, the ball’s in your court. The chance of you meeting the challenge of keeping Eden-Monaro constituents’ lifestyle on par with our city cousins could well be the same as us helping to re-elect your government.