Imagine you’re watching this story in wide screen. Really wide screen, the biggest, flattest, brightest TV you can get. The picture is twice as wide as the aspect ratio the TV stations broadcast so everyone looks as wide as they are tall but what the heck, it’s big!

So grab the remote and ...

ZOOP! UNREALITY TV

The minister is banging on, “... this billion dollar desalination plant we’re going to have, even if we don’t need it, must be built because infrastructure projects don’t just fall from the sky, you know”. Huh?

ZOOP! WORLD’S WACKIEST WALLYS (repeat of previous story)

ZOOP! WORLD MOVIES (USSR)

Standing in the snow, the cold bedraggled line of people stretches from the front door of the only store with goods for sale right around the block.

“This is hopeless,” says one to his comrade. “I’m going off to shoot the Party Secretary.”

He comes back a few hours later. “Well, did you get him?” asks his friend.

“No,” he says. “Another bloody queue!”

ZOOP! KEEPING US SAFE

The army recently shows off the first of the Abrams tanks to arrive in Australia. A steal at $10 million each, the Government is planning on buying sixty of these second-hand monsters.

Given that the speciality of an Abrams is the destruction of enemy tanks, it seems an odd purchase for an island nation. Perhaps 300,000 water tanks for the same price might have been a better deal – and made us more secure for the future.

ZOOP! LOCAL NEWS

Peter Garrett whizzed into town last week for a few minutes to give a press conference at the Braidwood Museum. Standing in the midst of yesterday’s silent relics he launched into a tirade against Senator Bob Brown for having the temerity to say what he thinks.

AD BREAK: Extremely happy people enjoying a fizzy sugar drink which takes more water to make than it contains and contributes to both drought and diabetes.

ZOOP! REAL ESTATE

Stories fly thick and fast when it’s revealed that The of Edinburgh’s Award people are planning to sell the late Judith Wright’s property ‘Edge’ near Mongarlowe. Having bought the place for one dollar from the ANU, it looked like the Dukes would make a 500,000% profit.

Negotiations are underway to find a solution in keeping with Judith Wright’s intention and the question of property management and maintenance.

ZOOP! LOCAL GOVERNMENT

There seems to be a chance that Palerang Council will at last see light at the end of the sewer pipe. A waste-water treatment plant is not like a photocopier. When it jams you don’t chuck it out and get another one just because nobody in the office knows how it works.

Recent letters to this paper have shown that there is both the conviction and the skill base in Braidwood willing to help the Council arrive at a sensible solution.

AD BREAK: The 2007 election. “The other lot are all hopeless and we’re not.” Take your pick.

ZOOP! TIP FOR THE DAY

Don’t bother with a wide-screen television. Get a book instead and just open it up wide.